not quite sufficient

For some reason, I am unsatisfied with my last post. Yes, it provides a lovely little summary of everything I´ve been doing, but what have I been thinking? feeling? questioning? sorting out? I´ve experienced a wide range of emotional states over the past few days - everything from exhilaration over walking down the street in a new city to crying over a heart that misses someone it loves - and to me, those states are as important, if not more important, than my nice, neat, little checklist of ¨look what I´ve done.¨

This is truly a time of self-learning and growth; of exploring my independence, dependence, comfort zones, fears, ego and expectations.

I mean, I quit my job and uprooted my life, and I´m here, so I sure as hell better make the most of it, right? But what if I don´t? What if I do it all wrong? What if I don´t learn enough, do enough, see enough, eat enough, laugh enough? What if I waste opportunities? What if I spend too much time missing my life in Minneapolis? What if I´m not present enough, aware enough, strong enough?

This is where my mind was this morning. So my journal and I had a little date, and I got it all out. Put my fears on the page and sat there looking at them, knowing that there were a lot of irrational thoughts staring back at me, but unsure I could put them all away. So I thought about what my advice-givers would say to me; what I´d want them to say.

That there´s no wrong way to do it. That it will be amazing. That it will pass by too quickly, so I shouldn´t wish the days away. That mistakes will be made, but I shouldn´t judge myself. That there is time to do a lot, but not everything needs doing. That this is my experience, and I can make what I want of it. That everyone would do it differently, but as long as I´m doing things that make me happy, that challenge myself, that take care of my soul and heart and body and mind, that I´m doing okay. That my love, our love, is strong enough to carry us through. That friends and family won´t go away. That I don´t need to figure out my life plan right now, but just enjoy each day as it presents itself to me, and allow room for opportunity and insight. That every little thing is going to be alright...