internal to external

I've been feeling pretty selfish lately. It all began a few weeks ago when my brother Jeb sent me an email and asked if I was doing any volunteer service in Buenos Aires, aside from teaching English. Staring at that question made my face burn a little bit; I was embarassed with myself. "No, I haven't," I thought. "Not one bit." These past few months have been all about Me, Me, Me.

I want to quit my job and move to Argentina. I want to live in a big, beautiful city. I want to shop for a new pair of pants. I want to try every restaurant in this book. I want people to come visit. I feel lonely. I feel happy. I don't want to have a real job while I'm here, because I want time to read and write and practice my Spanish and enjoy my life. I need support. I need you to give me up for five months. I want, I need, I, I, I.

I was surprised by myself, by my lack of external focus. I've always been introspective - something that requires a lot of internal focus - but I've also tried to see the big picture, think about others, find ways to drive that internal focus outward. So why, then, was I not doing that here? How could I have let three whole months pass without questioning my actions (or lack thereof)? I didn't really have a good answer...

I think the first month and a half I was so focused on pulling myself out of loneliness and homesickness and just trying to keep my head above water that my brain didn't have the energy to think outside of those emotions. Then I finally started teaching, and shed my loneliness, and really started liking the city... so my attention was being directed towards simply enjoying the happiness I was feeling and my newly formed, positive, relationship with the city and the people in it. But now, here I am, with sadness behind me, a healthy base of happiness under me, and two months ahead of me.

Well, Lia, it looks like you're out of excuses. So what do you plan to do about it??

I'm going to email the volunteer coordinator of my program and ask what my options are. (Actually, scratch that, I already did.) And if that doesn't work, I'll track down every volunteer organization in the city and harass them until they give me something to do. But, most importantly, I'm going to make the mental switch from Internal to External.

And you know, I think maybe all that internal focus was necessary. (And even if it wasn't, I'm going to believe it anyway.) Maybe in order to truly help others, to send positive energy into the world, everything inside needs to be all lined up in an orderly manner first. Like truly being able to love others; first you need to truly love yourself. Plus, I'm a firm believer in internal work; in letting your soul learn the lessons it needs to in this lifetime... internal focus doesn't always go hand-in-hand with selfishness.

I'm also certain that I've learned a lot in the past few months - even if every lesson hasn't yet materialized - and that all that internal focus has changed me for the better. Maybe it was fate's plan all along, and I was just making my way through the course, finding my way to where I am right now... standing in front of a big question mark that slightly resembles my brother's face, being asked how I'm going to give back to this amazing city that has taught me so much.

I have to admit that when I first read my brother's email I felt a bit of annoyance mixed with that embarassment. It ruffled my feathers, having to think outside of my little world. Having someone challenge me to question myself. But I recognized that the annoyance wasn't directed at Jeb - he asked the question in a kind, honest, thoughtful way - it was directed at myself for not asking it first. I'm better than that; I know it, and he knows it.

Which is why I feel so lucky to have him, and everyone else who questions me, in my life. Even though I, Miss Don't-Tell-Me-What-To-Do, usually react to such inquiries in a stubborn manner, that immediate reaction always fades into the knowledge that The Questioner is right to question me.

So thank you, Jeb, for supporting and encouraging me, but also for challenging me, if only because you believe in my ability to become something great.