beer and wedding planning

I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I considered going on a wedding diet and doing a wedding "cleanse." What is a wedding cleanse, you ask? I have no idea. I saw someone on Facebook post that they were planning to give up alcohol and other beverages -- only drink water and one cup of coffee a day -- for the month leading up to their wedding. Then someone commented on their post, "Oooh, the wedding cleanse!" So I thought, "Oooh, a wedding cleanse!" And without further prompting, declared that until the wedding, I'd only be drinking water and green tea. The next night I had two glasses of wine and decided a wedding cleanse was a terrible idea.

Who ever came up with these ridiculous pre-wedding rituals? Why do women, myself included, feel they need to lose weight, avoid any activity that might break a nail, and give up booze to be marriage-ready? Shouldn't you be as much like yourself as possible on the wedding day? I decided that yes, I should be me. Burger- and ice cream-eating, soccer playing, HOPSLAM! drinking me.

So that's exactly what I've been doing. Pigging out at Brasa with friends, getting punched in the face and all scraped up at soccer, and drinking beer. Oh how I love beer. How are you supposed to get through planning a wedding without it? I think instead of a wedding cleanse, society should encourage women to DRINK MORE BEER before their weddings. Beer makes everything better. Seating charts? No problem. Gluing 200 flags onto straws? Easy. No peonies because it's been a shit of a spring? Fantastic! Beer goggles have more than one purpose, I've discovered.

Ladies and gentlemen, spread the word. The new "it" diet for brides is a beer diet. Beer and cheese curds and whatever else makes you happy. Because that's what brides should be, and that's what brides will be, on their wedding day, no matter what they eat or drink beforehand.

Hot damn I can't wait to be a happy bride. Ten days and counting.